" I just want to be normal" says the child.
Ohhhh son, do you know I would give absolutley anything and everything I have ever had and ever could be to not have you go through what you do.
The worries about starting a new school on Monday are starting to build within Isaac. He has not had to conform to a school life for 5 months now and it is going to be quite a shock to the system. He is starting to hum absently to himself again and he is a little subdued, his Barnardos care worker has also noticed an increase in his anxiety. He doesnt like to talk to people outside of the family about his new school as he knows it is different and i think he feels embarrassed about this. "I should just go back to my old school" he said. We have talked plenty of times before about why this wasnt working and how we are going to find a happier place but he still has no ability to understand this as he has no idea how wrong and inappropriate the "education" he was recieving was. "But why do I have to move is it my ADHD". I tried again to explain it was more to do with Aspergers and how this influences the way he functions. I feel he understands that better as his brother has Aspergers and he can see some of the problems he has, I didnt go anywhere near trying to explain PDA. I am trying to make him see it is not his fault, to try and give him confidence but the truth is the way he is compelled to behave is quite distressing for him. He doesnt want to be "naughty", he doesnt want to have to live with the constant anxiety he feels during his everyday life. His behaviour does result in a lot of "consequences" as we try to address what inappropriate behaviour. He just always seems to have the odds stacked against him. I know he feels "sorry" for what he does, he is very sensitive, but he really cant help himself. I fear for what long term effect this will have on his mental health. I have learnt along time ago to take my emotional responses to his actions out completly, it is the PDA child reacting, not the other sweet boy that lives inside. I think in a way I am lucky I still see my lovely child quite a lot, I read other posts and blogs and hear parents who of almost or totally lost their inner child and only have the PDA child, my hat goes off and heart goes out to them. Once when he badly bit my arms as I tried to restrain him (school related) he couldnt bear to see the marks and pulled my sleaves down, it hurt him he had hurt me.
"why am I different" he asks. "I dont know" I reply " it is the way you were born, its what makes you you" I smile like a childrens TV presenter, I am trying to give him confidence and love. We are still driving and he looks out of the window for a bit..... and whispers..... " I wish I was normal"